Religious Jokes and Chain Emails here

[Eriedragon]

You know all those stories, jokes and emails that are religious based? You know the ones which say "To receive your blessing forward tot he 10 people you most want to annoy"? Well I figured that some of those are not so bad. Most make me loose interest rather quickly and get deleted before I make it to that part which requires eternal damnation.

Anywho. For those ones which you have deemed sharable, post them here. For the ones which are offensive, drippy and stupid, delete those as you normally would and spare us the reading.

OH, and when you paste the text here, please remove those curses which require you to share these any further than you already have.

[Eriedragon]

My Lawyer:

After living what I felt was a 'decent' life,
my time on earth came to the end.


The first thing I remember is sitting on a
bench in the waiting room of what I thought
to be a court house.


The doors opened and I was instructed to
come in and have a seat by the defense table.

As I looked around I saw the 'prosecutor.'

He was a villainous looking gent who snarled as
he stared at me. He definitely was the most
evil person I have ever seen.


I sat down and looked to my left and there
sat My Attorney, kind and gentle looking man
whose appearance seemed so familiar to me,
I felt I knew Him.


The corner door flew open and there appeared
the Judge in full flowing robes.

He commanded an awesome presence as He
moved across the room I couldn't take my
eyes off of Him.

As He took His seat behind the bench, He
said, 'Let us begin.'


The prosecutor rose and said,

'My name is Satan and I am here to show you
why this woman belongs in hell...'

He proceeded to tell of lies that I told, things
that I stole, and In the past when I cheated
others Satan told of other horrible Perversions
that were once in my life and the more he spoke,
the further down in my seat I sank.


I was so embarrassed that I couldn't look at
anyone, even my own Attorney, as the Devil
told of sins that even I had completely
forgotten about.


As upset as I was at Satan for telling all
these things about me, I was equally upset
at My Attorney who sat there
Silently not Offering any form of defense
at all.


I know I had been guilty of those things,
but I had done some good in my life -
couldn't that at least equal out part of the
harm I'd done?


Satan finished with a fury and said, 'This
woman belongs in hell, she is guilty of all
that I have charged and there is not a person
who can prove otherwise.'


When it was His turn, My Attorney first
asked if He might approach the bench. The
Judge allowed this over the strong objection
of Satan, and beckoned Him to come forward.


As He got up and started walking, I was able
to see Him in His full splendor and majesty.


I realized why He seemed so familiar; this
was Jesus representing me, my Lord and my
Savior.


He stopped at the bench and softly said to
the Judge, 'Hi, Dad,' and then He turned
to address the court.

'Satan was correct in saying that this woman
had sinned, I won't deny any of these
allegations. And, yes, the wage of sin is
death, and this woman deserves to be punished.'



Jesus took a deep breath and turned to His
Father with outstretched arms and proclaimed,
'However, I died on the cross so that this
person might have eternal life and she has
accepted Me as her Savior, so she is Mine.'


My Lord continued with, 'Her name is written
in the Book of Life, and no one can snatch
her from Me.

Satan still does not understand yet. This
woman is not to be given justice, but rather
mercy.'


As Jesus sat down,

He quietly paused, looked at His Father and
said, 'There is nothing else that needs to be
done.'

'I've done it all.'

The Judge lifted His mighty hand and slammed
the gavel down.. The following words
bellowed from His lips..


'This woman is free.'

The penalty for her has already been paid in
full.

'Case dismissed.'

As my Lord led me away, I could hear Satan
ranting and raving, 'I won't give up, I will win
the next one.' I asked Jesus as He gave me
my instructions where to go next, 'Have you
ever lost a case?'


Christ lovingly smiled and said,

'Everyone that has come to Me and asked Me
to represent them has received the same
verdict as you,

~Paid In Full~

If you do not pass this along to 15 people
immediately,absolutely nothing will happen

.

Passing this on to anyone you consider a
friend,
(as I have done here), will bless you both.


'Stop telling God how big your storm is.
Instead, tell the storm how big your God is!

[Eriedragon]

Message From God:


To: YOU
Date: TODAY
From: GOD
Subject: YOURSELF
Reference: LIFE

This is God. Today I will be handling All of your problems for you. I do Not need your help. So, have a nice day.


I love you.


P.S. And, remember....
If life happens to deliver a situation to you that you cannot handle, do Not attempt to resolve it yourself! Kindly put it in the SFGTD (something for God to do) box. I will get to it in MY TIME. All situations will be resolved, but in My time, not yours.


Once the matter is placed into the box, do not hold onto it by worrying about it. Instead, focus on all the wonderful things that are present in your life now.

If you find yourself stuck in traffic, don't despair. There are people in this world for whom driving is an unheard of privilege.

Should you have a bad day at work; think of the man who has been out of work for years.

Should you despair over a relationship gone bad; think of the person who has never known what it's like to love and be loved in return.

Should you grieve the passing of another weekend; think of the woman in dire straits, working twelve hours a day, seven days a week to feed her children.


Should your car break down, leaving you miles away from assistance; think of the paraplegic who would love the opportunity to take that walk.


Should you notice a new gray hair in the mirror; think of the cancer patient in chemo who wishes she had hair to examine.
Should you find yourself at a loss and pondering what is life all about, asking what is my purpose? Be thankful. There are those who didn't live long enough to get the opportunity.

Should you find yourself the victim of other people's bitterness, ignorance, smallness or insecurities; remember, things could be worse. You could be one of them!

Should you decide to send this to a friend; Thank you. You may have touched their life in ways you will never know!
Now, you have a nice day...

God

[Eriedragon]

[nightelf]

Last night as I lay sleeping
I died or so it seemed,
Then I went to heaven
But only in my dream

Up there St. Peter met me
Standing at the pearly gates,
He said 'I must check your record
Please stand here and wait.'

He turned and said 'Your record
Is covered with terrible flaws,
On earth I see you rallied
For every losing cause.'

I see that you drank alcohol
And smoked and partied too,
Fact is, you've done everything
A good person should never do.

We can't have people like you up here
Your life was full of sin,
then he paused as he read the last of my record,
Took my hand and said 'Come on in.'

He led me up to the big boss and said
'Take her in and treat her well.
She used to work in the Banking Business
So she's done her time in hell.


Gotta love it when it's the branch manager sending out this one.

[Über_Loser]

One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the evil that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it out. So He called one of His best angels and sent the angel to Earth for a while. When she returned she told God, yes it is bad on Earth, 95% is bad and 5% is good.
Well, He thought for a moment and thought maybe He'd better send down a second angel to get another point of view. So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time too. When the angel returned he went to God and told him "Yes, the Earth is in decline. 95% is bad and 5% is good." God said this was not good.

So He decided to send e-mail to the 5% that were good. He wanted to encourage them, give them a little something to help them keep going.

Do you know what that e-mail said?

---

---

---

---

Oh, you didn't get one either, huh? Bummer.

[Eriedragon]

One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the evil that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it out. So He called one of His best angels and sent the angel to Earth for a while. When she returned she told God, yes it is bad on Earth, 95% is bad and 5% is good.
Well, He thought for a moment and thought maybe He'd better send down a second angel to get another point of view. So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time too. When the angel returned he went to God and told him "Yes, the Earth is in decline. 95% is bad and 5% is good." God said this was not good.

So He decided to send e-mail to the 5% that were good. He wanted to encourage them, give them a little something to help them keep going.

Do you know what that e-mail said?

---

---

---

---

Oh, you didn't get one either, huh? Bummer.

[Eriedragon]

A United States Marine was taking some college courses

between assignments. He had completed 20 missions in Iraq

and Afghanistan . One of the courses had a professor who

was an avowed atheist, and a member of the ACLU.





One day the professor shocked the class when he came in.

He looked to the ceiling and flatly stated, "GOD, if you are real, then

I want you to knock me off this platform... I'll give you exactly 15 min."

The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop. Ten minutes

went by and the professor proclaimed, "Here I am GOD, I'm still waiting."



It got down to the last couple of minutes when the Marine got

out of his chair, went up to the professor, and cold-cocked him;

knocking him off the platform. The professor was out cold.



The Marine went back to his seat and sat there, silently.

The other students were shocked and stunned, and sat there

looking on in silence. The professor eventually came to,

noticeably shaken, looked at the Marine and asked,

"What in the world is the matter with you? Why did you do that?"



The Marine calmly replied,

"GOD was too busy today protecting America 's

soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid

stuff and act like an idiot. So He sent me."



The classroom erupted in cheers!

THIS IS GOOD, KEEP IT GOING!

[Jackie Chad]

The Marine calmly replied,

"GOD was too busy today protecting America 's

soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid

stuff and act like an idiot. So He sent me."

I never get tired of that one!

[Eriedragon]

[Eriedragon]

Note quite religious, but good none the less.


One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a
well. The animal cried piteously for hours as
the farmer tried to figure out what to do.



Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the
well needed to be covered up anyway;
it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbors to come over and
help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began
to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the
donkey realized what was happening and cried
horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he
quieted down.

A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally
looked down the well. He was astonished at what
he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his
back, the donkey was doing something amazing.
He would shake it off and take a step up.

As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel
dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it
off and take a step up.

Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey
stepped up over the edge of the well and
happily trotted off!
*****
Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds
of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well
is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of
our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out
of the deepest wells just by not stopping,
never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:

Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.

Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.

Live simply and appreciate what you have.

Give more.

Expect less

NOW .......

Enough of that crap. The donkey later came back,
and bit the farmer who had tried to bury him.
The gash from the bite got infected and
the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.



MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:

When you do something wrong, and try to cover
your ass, it always comes back to bite you.

[Eriedragon]

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said,

'Jesus knows you're here.’

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.

When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard

'Jesus is watching you.'

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.

Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.








'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

'Yep', the parrot confessed and then squawked,
'I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you.'

The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'

'Moses,' replied the bird.

'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'

'The kind of people that would named a Rottweiler Jesus.'







AMEN!